Friday, 27 September 2013


A Rainbow....
seems to be the universal symbol of

That's why I chose this picture
from many that I took
from our windows last year!

We seem to have a lot of rainbows here
particularly in November.

God said that, when we saw it,
we would remember His promise to us....

So why am I showing this
of all the pictures that I could have chosen?

I was on the way to my doctor this morning
and thought
'Why am I feeling so flat....almost dead inside?'

I realised that I really didn't care about anything and
didn't want to do anything.

As a counsellor
I knew I was depressed....

....and asked myself what had happened.
I had been so positive...
and had been pushing myself 
to do some of the things I missed

Although I was in constant pain...
I was taking control of my life again.....
and it felt GOOD

So....what went wrong??

I tried to think when it had started...
and realised that 
it had been going on for about a month.

So....what happened a month ago?

It was when I saw my consultant in the local hospital.
He had not been happy that...
I had the last op in Cardiff........
and wanted to write to them to see 
what they had done.

That is all good and fair..
and very wise and reasonable
the hospital in Cardiff
is terrible for correspondence.
I had to write and phone so many times
to get them to write to my Dr
as they had, even, not written to him
to tell him they had operated!
That was 6 months after!!

I realised my sense of 
hopelessness and helplessness
started there!

I am just sooooo weary
and having to start all over again...
trying to get information
and then to get them to write about it correctly
feels just too much!!

I have now had over 5 years
of trying to get help
and get some sort of pain relief.
I do not like having to be on painkillers

I feel like I have lost hope!

Sorry for moaning
now you know why I have not posted 
for nearly a month.
I feel I have nothing to say

I have followed others' blogs
and I can see that they are going through things that are far worse than my problems
 and are, even, life threatening
so I really have nothing to complain about

this is me....
I know that I have to 
'pull myself together and get on with it'!!
I don't know now 
when the information will come through....
when, if ever, they will decide to operate.

So.... for the moment
I have lost hope.
I know that I will recoup
but...just at this feels...

Sorry about this miserable post
but I've read often enough
where people are urged to be open 
and be themselves.

I know I will come about so please don't 
stop following me....or...
give up on me...
please give me time....

Hence the rainbow....
symbol of hope...
of a new start..


  1. You realize the rainbow is a symbol of hope to you. So that is good. And that rainbow has a miracle. God made it. He makes everything beautiful. Even you and I and others. Behind that rainbow or infront of it. Is the Lord of the Universe .He lets us decide what we do with his beautiness . Give your burdens to him my dear first. That is what he tells us. Everything is in his time.

    I will keep you in my prayers. That is what we are here for. To lift one when

    they feel down us bloggers.. You will be okay. Hang in sweetie. Better days

    ahead. Keep your faith.

    I was feeling sort of dumpy about myself with my bummer leg one day. Then as I was reading a blog. Where a Mom was told her little swetheart was going to have her last days on earth. So this Mom wrote the heartbreaking blog how she felt knowing her last hug and last kiss would end for her little daughter and then she would be in the arms of the Lord. Oh it spoke to my heart.
    To never have those wee arms hold her Mom or kiss her Moms cheek and say . I love you Mommy. How heart wrenching that must be.

    We think we are sad but when you read how a Mom can be so brave to write a blog and tell her feelings to all us bloggers. That has to be hard. She said it was the Lord who has given her the strength to do so.

    So hope is near for sureand the faith goes hand in hand. If we only believe. In the Creator.

    So I will continue pray for you .

    from Canada

  2. It is hard we we go through a valley of despair and knowing others may be in worse states does not help to compare when we are in a funk as we are it just sinks us more to feel as if we don't rate enough to feel sad , everyones sadness is unique and it matters.
    It is a personal journey that feels quite alone sometimes really, and we can"t be hard on ourselves for it is our pain and sadness and we do matter each despair may be different but is painful and personal none the less. Be easy on yourself , take a moment at a time and a savor even the smallest delight when possible, share when you feel the need.
    For me nature is always soothing.
    The rainbow from your window is amazing.
    Know you matter, and sometimes it is a matter of time ...this too shall pass.
    PS you matter to me , from one who knows this feeling well and has learned many a coping skill from it.

  3. Sending you virtual hugs as well as positive thoughts and prayers. I missed you, so very glad you wrote today. Your words matter, your rainbow is a symbol renewal. Sending you love too.

  4. Hugs to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad I found your blog and I will be here to read whatever you write, whenever you're ready. Take care. :)

  5. I'm so glad you've posted. I was wondering how things were....
    The NHS systems is SO frustrating. Try to hold onto your rainbows.
    Sending loads of love through the 'blogosphere', Jx

  6. Praying for your peace of mind and a good resolution to these problems for you!

  7. No apologies needed. Our problems are still problems. I went through neurosurgery last year, did my rehab and was doing well. I broke a bone in my foot three weeks ago and have been hobbling around. It's certainly not the worst thing that could happen, but I feel that I'm starting all over again. I hate to bore people, but I'm feeling a whole lot less than perky. Hugs across the ocean!

  8. Peace dear Joan. Peace. It's there and will come back to you. Here's to Rainbows and Hope.

  9. My dear Joan, you are not alone and we are all here to help you and send you love. This is a difficult time, I am sure you are feeling tired, sad and even depressed. Own your feelings and start to make one tiny change a day that will help to move you out of this phase. Just one, notice the rainbows, the flowers. Go for a short walk and smell the Autumn breeze. Think about all you love to do, all your loved ones and your friends. We are all here for you so be true to yourself and post what you need to when you need to.

  10. Hi Joan, it is always best to tell your friends how you really feel. I can't imagine abandoning you because you're being honest. Friends are here to support you and listen to you. I hope you get things straightened out soon! ((hugs)), Teresa :-)

  11. Please hang in there! Even though you are going through a rough patch now, remember life is wonderful and there are many people who love and care for you. This too, will pass. :) Sending you smiles through the internet.

  12. sometimes, it is all we can do to simply hope.
    i've been in that dark place for so long. there are glimmers of hope now and again. and so we hold onto His promises and hope.

  13. As long as you have life, there is hope, even when it seems to have disappeared. Sometimes it's just hard to find it, especially when you are in pain. Don't give up, just look at that beautiful rainbow!

  14. Dearest Joan, Thank you for sharing-it really helps us to understand. I have found lately that it is so hard to get to all the blogs I follow to leave a comment and wonder how so many people do it when they have 5x the followers. I won't stop following you but sure know how to pray for you. Have chronic pain will wear a gal out-be gentle with yourself.
    Sending love your way!

  15. I am so, so very sorry! I hope you will be able to get everything all straightened out very soon. My best friend, who is a two time ovarian cancer survivor, is always having to transfer records from one place to the next, then the doctor did not get it, so she has to start all over. I know this will pass, but you sure are going through a bad time now!!

  16. So glad you felt comfortable enough to share with all of us your doubts and bouts of depression! That is the very best part of Blogland...It is easy to say anything...You do not see us and we will probably never meet...But none the less, we are here TOGETHER!
    Hang in there Dear! As long as there is hope, anything is possible!!
    Sending prayers and much warm thoughts from the Pacific NW coast!

  17. We are going no where. I hope you get it all sorted soon and you feel better. Take care of yourself and remember to seek help if you need it. Xxx

  18. Hello Dear Joan...So sorry you are experiecing depression. Please know that we miss you and hope the sun in your heart will shine again soon. Just take one day, one moment at a time.

    For myself, whenever I'm feeling hopeless, I reach for my pen and notebook and write a gratitude list.....all the things I DO have in my life that are good. Helps me ever time.

    May the Lord bless you, dear friend. Susan

  19. Dear Joan, Please don't give up hope. I will be praying for you for things to look brighter and for the pain to go away.

  20. Oh my dear, how i am feeling so unhappy for you. Hopelessness is not a good place to be. Sometimes we are so overwhelmed with what is going on in our lives and trying to get people to listen and do their part in it all. I know now that you are sharing your trials and tribulations I know the rainbow is entering in your life. My thoughts and prayers go out to you-----with a little faery dust to give you a boost. Hang in there, MaryBeth

  21. My dear Joan, I so agree with Sparkle 100. This is what we are all here for, to lift each other up when we feel low, and to celebrate the happy times as well. It must be terrible for you, having to cope with that infernal pain all the time. It would pull anyone down. Trying to deal with correspondence from Cardiff Hospital obviously isn't helping your situation. That is a beautiful photo of the rainbow my friend and you are right - it is, indeed, a symbol of hope. I will remember you in my prayers, and pray that your mood will lift again before too long. We are all here for you! Never be afraid to write how you are feeling. What is the point otherwise, if you just try to disguise it. God bless you.

  22. Dearest Joan, may your heart be lifted even just a little by the caring and compassion extended to you here. We all need the prayers and support of one another. Life is difficult. Being in constant pain is debilitating and I pray that the doctors will find a way to help give you ease. Until then may the prayers and {{hugs}} hold you up... blessings ~ tanna

  23. Dear Joan,

    Thanks so much for sharing the stunning rainbow and rose photos, and your current struggles as well. I appreciate the contrast between the two.
    Along with the commenters before me, I also offer my caring, and prayers.

    I just read Ecclesiastes 3 in the NLT. It does not change my circumstances, or yours, and yet there is both comfort and hope in it for me. It reminds me I am not alone in my despair.

    Thank you for the privilege of knowing who and where you are in life through your post. While your despair is uniquely your own, your despair also reminds me I am not alone in my despair, and I feel encouraged to believe there is Hope for us.

    Philippians 4:4-9 NLT comes to is in fact what you have done in this post for me. You have acknowledged your despair, but you have focused on Hope through your words and photos, so that my mind is encouraged to think about what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely,admirable, excellent and worthy of praise, and I realize whether or not I feel it that the God of peace is with me. I do have Hope and I pray that you will once again soon sense that you do, too.
    Love with hugs,

  24. Joan, please hang in there... im so glad you decided to tell us how you are feeling that's a step in the right direction! thinking of you and sending lots of prayers... i find just trying to get thru each day and not looking ahead helps me...

  25. Dear Joan, while we want to believe that all is OK with our blog friends, and even ourselves, often that is not true. Please don't disparity because you can always share your feelings as you have done. Depression is not easy to handle, but perhaps with everyone's well wishes for you, it will not all seem hopeless. I too cannot read all the blogs I would like to, but always enjoy reading your posts when able to.

  26. Of course we won't give up on you, Joan. We are here when you have something to say, and here when you do not.

    So sorry to hear that you have been down and depressed - there are few things more frustrating than that sense of helplessness in the face of an unheeding bureaucracy. And to be in pain on top of it - of course you are feeling low.

    You wrote this post - that is a good thing - and you have looked upon beauty and shared it with others. That rainbow and those roses are so lovely.

    I do hope that hope will revive for you. It's so good to know that even when our hopes are flagging, God's faithfulness does not change. Hang in there, dear friend, and wait upon the Lord.

    Saying a prayer for you now.

  27. So sorry you are feeling without hope . . . I will never give up on you . . . I wish I could help . . . Please hold on, it will turn around . . . the sun will shine again . . .

  28. So sorry to hear you are feeling hopeless. I suffer from depression so I understand. There are times I can't post but it helps to still read and feel like I'm part of the group of bloggers. Hang in there. I know it's hard but you will come out the other side. Take care and feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk to someone. Julie

  29. Dear Joan, I'm glad you've been so honest ...sorry for coming late to this post, but reading through fellow bloggers comments, we're all feeling for you and any time you want to get things off your chest, we're always here for you. Hope you're feeling a little bit more positive soon.

    Lots of love, Claire xxx

  30. The hardest time to fight is when we feel beaten, and that happens when the burden we carry is just too great for the strength we have right now. So let someone pick it that burden up for you. You shouldn't be having to hound the hospital to communicate with your GP. There are a fair few free and paid for patient advocacy services you could consult, please let someone else take the strain. And don't worry lovely lady, your readers are going nowhere xxx

    1. I'll echo that well put!!!

      Amanda xx

  31. Oh Joan first off all I can do is send you hugs wish they were real. I understand this I had been going through something similar myself and stopped blogging for awhile then a wise virtual friend asked why. I told her I did not want to post things that would make people sad and I was not feeling any happy at the time. She told me that that is when we need support from our family be that real or blogger family and to shut ourselves out was not the way to do it. Today I posted a story that may be sad but I am pretty sure every blogger in our circle has been in this place before and this is when family needs family. What are we afraid of by expressing our feelings. No one is happy all the time and many of us have problems that can be fixed or cannot be fixed we all have something in common. We need support and love be that virtual or in our real world. Take care my dear dear friend and I am so glad you opened up that is the first step.
    I do have lots of support and love and so do you only a click away and it may not feel like much but it is wonderful.
    Take all the time you need I will be waiting for you and darn it I am going to post it keeps me happy knowing there are many others in the same boat.
    HUGS HUGS HUGS I wish these were real but I know you an feel them none the less I always do. B

  32. Your rainbow is beautiful, Joan. Sometimes it is best to take one day at a time and not look back or forward for a while. Just be. I pray you find relief from your pain, soon. Keep looking for that rainbow. Enjoy the little things and the love that comes your way. Here is a big hug. xoxo

  33. Keep your eye on that rainbow. I have lived in constant pain for years and I understand every word of your post. Whatever God has you go through, know that there is a reason...maybe you are going to be the person who gets this mess with the paperwork straightened out so no one else has to go through this...praying for your peace with all of this.

  34. I am so glad I stopped by here today. I will hold you close in my heart and prayers.

    We have missed you at Pink Saturdays.♥

  35. Just thinking about you today and checking on you, I hope that you are feeling better about everything. Depression is such a terrible burden and my heart aches for you-but I also know there is hope in the future and you will pull through this. Keep your eye towards the sky and look for the sunshine behind all those clouds- Love to you- xo Diana

  36. I'm so sorry to read the you have been suffering with depression on top of your other problems.
    I'm sending you a huge {{hug}} and many, many positive thoughts. Hope the clouds lift very soon.
    Rose H

  37. Dear Joan
    I've been very remiss at not thanking you for your kind comments on my Yarndale post. I was so pleased you had visited my blog but now I see you've not been here on your blog for awhile. I so agree with other comments here Joan keep your eye on that rainbow.....steady now and think in bright colours its has only got to get better. Please get back in here if you can I find blogging is great therapy and I hope you do too :-)

    Sending you a big hug from across the channel :-)

    Amanda :-)

  38. Hope that life and your outlook has improved since this post. Chronic pain is a very hard thing to deal with. HOpe that you are on a good antidepressant or two. being a counselor helps get insight, but we can never be our own dr..... I have found that out many times. Do you journal?? That has always been something that has helped me keep my inner strength up, and helps me to refocus!

  39. I'm sorry to hear you have been in pain, Joan. I'll have to keep in better touch with you. :) The shawl projects you made in your next post are just beautiful and the afghan too.


Thanks so much for commenting on my blog. I look forward to reading your thoughts and ideas!